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About Deviant Artist WhisperFemale/United States Group :iconwildequinesv2: WildEquinesV2
 
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Deviant for 8 Years
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Literature
i hate my life
i remember screaming those words into my pillow curled up on my bedroom floor. i was no older than ten and i was screaming i hate my life and sobbing and just wishing that i would just die, right then and right there. wanna know what else i remember? my mom coming in with a cup of water and throwing it on me telling me to shut up and stop screaming and crying and be glad i had a mother who cared. so that's what i did. i shut up. i stopped screaming. i stopped crying. i don't scream i hate my life anymore. i just smile and hope someone sees past it all and that they will see that i hate my life and i just want it all to end. right here. right now. give me a reason why i shouldn't. anyone that has ever tried all left in the end, leaving me how i was years ago, alone and with no one to turn to. i hate my life. give me a fucking reason why i shouldn't.
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Literature
Accidents Can Happen
i have been cutting for years. the first time i can remember even thinking about it was during a shower when i was in second grade. i held a pair of scissors against my wrist, wondering what it would feel like to press down. this was before i'd ever heard the words "emo" or "self harm," i just knew i was sad and i wanted to do something to make things better. i never broke the skin in those early years but i thought about it, oh god, did i ever think about it. i would scratch a little at my skin but i was scared somebody would notice and i just had a feeling that no one would understand and i would get in trouble. but sometimes i would be so tempted and eventually i would give in, but until until a few years later. i kept it all a secret, nobody knew, i never told anyone until seventh/eighth grade. that's when i also told some friends about my little "problem" with my weight and food, which, sickeningly enough, i have been struggling with since preschool. yup. that's right. as a toddle
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Literature
Do Wishes Ever Come True?
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
I wish I could fix the world and make it perfect. 
I wish I could believe in perfection. 
I wish I could believe in beauty. 
I wish I could believe in love. 
I wish you could see what I see. 
I wish I wasn't alone. 
I wish they had all kept their promises. 
I wish I could have kept all of mine. 
You know I'd make it all better if I could. I would literally die just to see you smile. Seeing other happy makes me happy, makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I've failed so much at being a friend. You never would have left if I'd been a good friend. But don't worry, I'm still a friend, even if the friendship is only one sided. I know that eventually, I'll be completely alone, so I'll just take what you give me now, and try not to cry when the last of you leaves. 
I wish you knew how much you hurt me. 
I wish I could make it stop hurting. 
I wish I could stop the bleeding. 
I wish I could
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:iconvampirefreak14:VampireFreak14 1 1
Literature
just wanted to let you know
i still wish for you on falling stars, and after i'm done wishing, i slap myself for being so dumb.
i still want to smile every time i see you, but i already know you're bored of me already.
i still whisper "i love you," but that's only because i know how much it'll hurt you if i stop.
i'm still afraid of the dark, though that's only because it's the only think holding me back.
i still lie, even when i don't want to.
i still hurt the people i love, or try to love anyway.
i still don't know what love is, but i use the word every day.
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:iconvampirefreak14:VampireFreak14 2 0
Literature
My Frist Kiss
    Every sound, from the yapping of dogs to the idling of car engines, was muffled by silently falling snow. It surrounded us, making us both into snowmen as we huddled together on a cold park bench. I had my back slightly turned to him; head down, unsure of what to say. Some of my long, black hair escaped my hood, but out of the corner of my eye I could see him looking at me every so often, his lips slightly parted as if he had something to say. Every time he did this, a little cloud forming on his lips, my breath would catch in my throat and my heart would start racing. Every time he turned away, I felt as if I would cry.
    But then suddenly, unexpectedly, while I was distracted by a mother deer and her baby, I heard him whisper my name. Softly, quietly… nervously. Feeling nervous myself, I turned to face him, head tilted slightly so that my ice-blue eyes were hidden from view. "Y-yes?" I replied, my shivering having less to do with the
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Literature
My Apologies
I'm sorry you hate me.
I'm sorry I love you.
I'm sorry I can't be perfect.
I'm sorry you're the one that's in control.
I'm sorry I'm worthless.
I'm sorry I'm ugly and fat and impulsive.
I'm sorry I can't always say no.
I'm sorry I also can't always say yes.
I'm sorry I don't always have an answer.
I'm sorry I can't deal with the yelling.
I'm sorry I'm a failure.
I'm sorry my music isn't to your liking.
I'm sorry I'm a horrible friend.
I'm sorry the voices only speak to me.
I'm sorry I like to play with fire.
I'm sorry I'm not as strong as I pretend to be.
I'm sorry I'm a liar.
I'm sorry I'm a cutter.
I'm sorry I still starve myself.
I'm sorry I still sometimes throw up after I eat.
I'm sorry I can't look at my reflection.
I'm sorry I hate the way I look and the sound of my voice.
I'm sorry I sometimes think about different ways to
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:iconvampirefreak14:VampireFreak14 2 6
Literature
Binge Purge Repeat
Eyes were closed, trying to resist the smells floating into her room from the kitchen. Already, my heart was hammering. My breathing was choppy, distorted. And my body kept trembling, making it near impossible to type. Already, my stomach was churning. Just thinking about all that food! Life giving, fat-filled, ugly. I hated  all of it, every single substance known as food. But at the same time, I craved it. But I didn't want it. Did I? Who was controlling who when it came to food? Was I controlling myself? Or was I being controlled? What the should I do? Eyes opened, stinging with wetness, at the sound of my bedroom door opening. Distantly, I heard a voice calling me. Calling me into the forbidden kitchen. Because of my open door, the smell grew stronger. I didn't know what it was, didn't want to know. Didn't want it. Didn't need it ... But I did. Did I? I hadn't eaten all day. But I didn't want to. Just picturing the food my mom gave me, sliding down my throat, entering my
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:iconvampirefreak14:VampireFreak14 2 3
Literature
Promises, Promises
I'm so sorry I wasn't there, I'm so sorry I couldn't help you.
I should have been there, but I wasn't.
I never was a good friend. A good friend would have stayed. I left.
Why did I leave? Why did I let myself go?
Please.. Please forgive me. I can't forgive myself.
I wish so many things could have been different.
I wish it didn't have to end this way.
I wish I didn't have to die, in order to live.
We didn't ask for it to be this hard. But life isn't fair.
No one gets left behind, right?
Then why the fuck are we all alone?
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:iconvampirefreak14:VampireFreak14 3 0
Literature
Pretend
Let's just stop for a moment and pretend
That everything we believed in was a lie,
All those gentle whispers were nothing more than
Screams unheard.
are you happy now?
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Literature
Reckless Part Two
It's cold outside today, just Mother Nature's way of warning the small out-of-the-way town that summer is ending, green leaves and sunshine soon to be replaced by multi-colored leaves and an ever gray sky. Hidden within the walls of beige colored house, a dog barks, once ... twice.. three times.. and then he is silenced, the gruff bark cut off by a whine. Again, silence envelopes the quaint little neighborhood, the early morning peaceful and perfect, rays of the newly exposed sun glinting off dew 'pon the emerald blades of each perfectly kept lawn. It is here that the beast waits, its calm exterior masking its brutal thoughts and ways of life with ease. No one questions the beast. There's no reason to.
They don't suspect a thing. How can they not know? Fucking idiots! I'm right here! Why can't they see me?! You're looking right at me! Why? Why do you keep walking away from me? Can't you see me? Don't you want to believe? I thought this would help, I thought this would make you see.
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Literature
Reckless Part One
I've always wanted to be this way. Gone with the wind, forever lost in a world only I could create, the only things left of a forgotten soul the distance whispers carried by storms of old, only to be washed away by the wind. To be free is something startling, something so chaotic, no words can describe it.. It is terrifying beyond belief, but with new found strength I'm so sure I can handle this! Then again.. I've been wrong about plenty of things in the past. I've been wrong about.. Well, pretty much everything. Life, love, happiness, joy, peace, anger. But.. but I don't want to think about all that! Not now, not when I've finally found freedom.. Freedom.. I can already feel it starting to slip away. I was so close.. so close. It was right there, right at my fingertips, just a simple moment of pure bliss, so pure and peaceful compared to the agony life tends to throw in the faces of my dying generation. There's no point in trying to hide it anymore. I can't feel love, or positivity
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Literature
Fiction
When I was little, I used to always talk to my guardian angel. Or, at least, that's what my family always tells me. Her name was Goldy Locks, like the girl from the story with the bears. I don't know what urged me to give her that name, but that is what she was called, and from what I can remember and what I've been told, I took her everywhere with me. I never left without her and believed very strongly that she would keep me safe and sound. How some fictional character living inside my head was going to do this, I've got no idea, but that's what I believed and I refused to let anyone take her away from me. Try as they might, it was impossible to convince me that she was not real, that I was talking to myself and no one else. Could this have been when I first started to loose something critical within my skull, or was it simply just a matter of an overactive imagination, which I still have and am mighty proud of? Have I lost anything at all? Who knows. It's impossible to tell, because
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Literature
inside my head pt. 2
don't smile. don't laugh. don't you dare look.
are you smiling? no; i'm not. that's a smirk.
oops, i giggled. now what? what are you going to do? kill me?
hahaha, i'm already dead, you little fucker. there isn't much you can do!
haha; i laughed. hahaha; heeheehee. not much you can do now!
oh yeah? is that so? i'll fucking tear you apart.
no, don't, you can't!
but i can.
i tear myself apart. like, really, how do you not know this?
and now my stomach is twitching, ew. ug, that's so annoying.
but this song isn't. it's fucking fantastic.
it's like blood.
warm, always bringing relief, metallic taste.
pride, pride, pride. broken.
heh, who knows, maybe you are crazy!
nah, maybe not. you're just a fucked up kid who likes blood.
and gore.
and reading about others pain.
you fucking liar. pretending you care. you don't give a shit, and you know you don't.
well, hey, that's not true! i care too much!
no, you hate everyone, you hate yourself.
stop it! just stop it!
why? it's not like anyone has to
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cold and alone :iconvampirefreak14:VampireFreak14 1 1
Literature
WHO I AM HATES WHO I'VE BEEN
Softly, the eighteen year old boy sighed, a cool breeze rolling off
the ocean to dance around his pale, handsome figure. He lay on his
stomach, propped up on his elbows, toes digging into the sand as his
innocent blue eyes looked out across the majestic ocean. It was high
tide, the waves washing aimlessly over the chilled sand, crashing
against the rocks to his right, sending up splashes of foamy salt
water. The sound was soothing, though not as calming as the steady
pounding of a horse's hooves as it galloped along the shore. Nothing
could compare to that. Even music could not compare to the humorous
nicker of an equine calling out to its owner. Closing his eyes, Hayden
imagined what it would be like if he could have brought his mare
Killer to Rosewood Academy. He'd be a lot happier and confident, that
was for sure! Being away from her... It was like a piece of him was
missing. He really hoped his older sister was keeping her in shape.
"If not, all that training over break will go
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Literature
Blind, Deaf, Mute
I'm not blind.
I just don't see what you see.
I can't see whatever you're looking at.
It's like living in a whole different universe.
You see a world of butterflies and rainbows;
I see a world of spiders and exploding cities.
You stand in awe of the beauty of your existence;
I hide in the shadows, wanting to just disappear.
What are you looking at?
What do you see?
Please tell me.. I don't want to see this anymore.
I'm not deaf.
I just don't hear what you hear.
I can't listen to the laughter that makes you smile.
You giggle at stupid jokes, making others happy.
A whole new universe, happy and sheltered.
I can only hear the sound of shattering glass;
The result of not listening close enough.
So tell me, what do you hear?
What are you listening too?
Please don't lie.. I don't want to hear any more.
I'm not mute.
I just don't talk like you do.
I can't yell any louder.
You just say what you want, don't worry if it hurts.
Nothing is better than a good lie.
I hate these
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Favourites

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Literature
born like this
tension builds, muscles begin to ache and clench
teeth grind, eyes close, fingers tighten around cold metal
fumble to untangle knotted wires offering stubborn salvation
the door slams, worn wood of the swing creaks, familiar ground
my private heaven in the midst of suburbia.
thudding bass, screaming guitars, the crash of drums
snarled words scraping vocal chords with every line
tightly coiled frustration loosens, scream it out
stress relief better than ten rounds with any punching bag
my porch is where i wage my private war, every word a weapon.
chest heaves, throat burns, a feral grin to the backyard
excess energy crackling as songs change but rapid beats stay
spitting a challenge in every word, revving for a nonexistent fight
find the edge and leap over it, shattering as the critical thoughts stop
i rip out of my skin, blessed silence reigning in my head.
slow song, old and well-known, sang without thought
drift in the peace, heart rate steadying, anger worked out
sink into the st
:iconxCoffinxSolox:xCoffinxSolox
:iconxcoffinxsolox:xCoffinxSolox 1 0
see how far we've come :iconxcoffinxsolox:xCoffinxSolox 4 3 Our romance.. :iconthepsychokatze:ThePsychoKatze 52 30 The Rev :iconfallenfallacy:fallenfallacy 99 86
Mature content
Jimmy's Sexy Birthday :iconborncrazy7189:BornCrazy7189 23 17
Jimmy the Duckling :iconthunderfang117:Thunderfang117 17 32 Black Cat :iconphotowizard:photowizard 71 44

Journal History

Activity


Do you know how long it's been since we talked? Like, really talked? Not like "hi, what's up, cool, okay bye?" Yeah, me either. But that's okay, because I told you this would happen. I was stupid to think you cared, that you really fucking cared about me, even when I was told that you did. Any of you. All of you. I'm done. I don't want to cry over you any more. As long as you're all happy and satisfied, great, go on and enjoy your lives. Just forget you even knew me. I don't exist. Never has, never will. It was all just a dream, one that slowly became one of my worst fucking nightmares because I can't forget you. I can't get any of you out of my head. I constantly worry about you. Don't you for one fucking second think I don't know what you're doing, and what you've done. How could you? Why did you do that? And to you! Love is fake. Don't get lost in it all over again, because I hate seeing you hurt. You have no idea how bad it hurts when you say you're having a bad day, that is, when you talk to me. None of you ever talk to me anymore, and I feel like I'm bothering you all, so unless you say something first I'm done. I'm still here for you, still your shoulder to cry on, and I still love you more than I can ever explain, but I'm done. I can't do this anymore, and I hate to do this, but I have to say good-bye. 
  • Listening to: I Won't See You Tonight pt. 1 - A7X

deviantID

VampireFreak14
Whisper
Artist
United States
Yo, yo, yo! This be Keira, and I'm sixteen and living in a NiGHTMARE; in The City of Evil; foREVer.

I'm NOT! who you think I am; I'm NOTHING! like you want me to be; and I'll NEVER be who I once was.


Current Residence: the city of evil.
Favourite genre of music: bit of everything, really.
Favourite style of art: music
MP3 player of choice: iPod Touch <33
Personal Quote: "the only way to make things work is to fuck 'em up first"
Interests

Friends

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:iconmiddysgraphics:
MiddysGraphics Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thanks the watch!
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:iconthunderfang117:
Thunderfang117 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012
Thanks for the fave!
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:iconvivi2012:
vivi2012 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
[link]
Tagged!
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:iconphotowizard:
photowizard Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the favorite.

Please check out the photos in my gallery, there may be others you find interesting. [link]
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:iconjadetheangle777:
JadeTheAngle777 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks for the :+fav: [link]
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:iconthepsychokatze:
ThePsychoKatze Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2011  Hobbyist
Thanks for the fav :D
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:iconlovely-dreamcatcher:
Lovely-DreamCatcher Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
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FO-FB Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for faving "misc. sketches", hun. : )
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pastinpictures Featured By Owner May 9, 2011
I'm just now catching up on my dA messages, so I apologize if this is late, but thank you very much for the :+fav:s!
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Squirrel-Art Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2011
    Hi thanks for the fav :tighthug:
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