VampireFreak14

i remember screaming those words into my pillow curled up on my bedroom floor. i was no older than ten and i was screaming i hate my life and sobbing and just wishing that i would just die, right then and right there. wanna know what else i remember? my mom coming in with a cup of water and throwing it on me telling me to shut up and stop screaming and crying and be glad i had a mother who cared. so that's what i did. i shut up. i stopped screaming. i stopped crying. i don't scream i hate my life anymore. i just smile and hope someone sees past it all and that they will see that i hate my life and i just want it all to end. right here. right

i have been cutting for years. the first time i can remember even thinking about it was during a shower when i was in second grade. i held a pair of scissors against my wrist, wondering what it would feel like to press down. this was before i'd ever heard the words "emo" or "self harm," i just knew i was sad and i wanted to do something to make things better. i never broke the skin in those early years but i thought about it, oh god, did i ever think about it. i would scratch a little at my skin but i was scared somebody would notice and i just had a feeling that no one would understand and i would get in trouble. but sometimes i would be so

I wish I could tell you how I feel. I wish I could fix the world and make it perfect.  I wish I could believe in perfection.  I wish I could believe in beauty.  I wish I could believe in love.  I wish you could see what I see.  I wish I wasn't alone.  I wish they had all kept their promises.  I wish I could have kept all of mine.  You know I'd make it all better if I could. I would literally die just to see you smile. Seeing other happy makes me happy, makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I've failed so much at being a friend. You never would have left if I'd been a good friend. But do

i still wish for you on falling stars, and after i'm done wishing, i slap myself for being so dumb. i still want to smile every time i see you, but i already know you're bored of me already. i still whisper "i love you," but that's only because i know how much it'll hurt you if i stop. i'm still afraid of the dark, though that's only because it's the only think holding me back. i still lie, even when i don't want to. i still hurt the people i love, or try to love anyway. i still don't know what love is, but i use the word every day.

    Every sound, from the yapping of dogs to the idling of car engines, was muffled by silently falling snow. It surrounded us, making us both into snowmen as we huddled together on a cold park bench. I had my back slightly turned to him; head down, unsure of what to say. Some of my long, black hair escaped my hood, but out of the corner of my eye I could see him looking at me every so often, his lips slightly parted as if he had something to say. Every time he did this, a little cloud forming on his lips, my breath would catch in my throat and my heart would start racing. Every time he turned away, I felt as if I would cry.    But then sud

I'm sorry you hate me. I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry you're the one that's in control. I'm sorry I'm worthless. I'm sorry I'm ugly and fat and impulsive. I'm sorry I can't always say no. I'm sorry I also can't always say yes. I'm sorry I don't always have an answer. I'm sorry I can't deal with the yelling. I'm sorry I'm a failure. I'm sorry my music isn't to your liking. I'm sorry I'm a horrible friend. I'm sorry the voices only speak to me. I'm sorry I like to play with fire. I'm sorry I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I'm sorry I'm a liar. I'm sorry I'm a cutter. I'm sorry I still starve

Eyes were closed, trying to resist the smells floating into her room from the kitchen. Already, my heart was hammering. My breathing was choppy, distorted. And my body kept trembling, making it near impossible to type. Already, my stomach was churning. Just thinking about all that food! Life giving, fat-filled, ugly. I hated  all of it, every single substance known as food. But at the same time, I craved it. But I didn't want it. Did I? Who was controlling who when it came to food? Was I controlling myself? Or was I being controlled? What the should I do? Eyes opened, stinging with wetness, at the sound of my bedroom door opening. Distantly,

I'm so sorry I wasn't there, I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. I should have been there, but I wasn't. I never was a good friend. A good friend would have stayed. I left. Why did I leave? Why did I let myself go? Please.. Please forgive me. I can't forgive myself. I wish so many things could have been different. I wish it didn't have to end this way. I wish I didn't have to die, in order to live. We didn't ask for it to be this hard. But life isn't fair. No one gets left behind, right? Then why the fuck are we all alone?

Let's just stop for a moment and pretend That everything we believed in was a lie, All those gentle whispers were nothing more than Screams unheard. are you happy now?

It's cold outside today, just Mother Nature's way of warning the small out-of-the-way town that summer is ending, green leaves and sunshine soon to be replaced by multi-colored leaves and an ever gray sky. Hidden within the walls of beige colored house, a dog barks, once ... twice.. three times.. and then he is silenced, the gruff bark cut off by a whine. Again, silence envelopes the quaint little neighborhood, the early morning peaceful and perfect, rays of the newly exposed sun glinting off dew 'pon the emerald blades of each perfectly kept lawn. It is here that the beast waits, its calm exterior masking its brutal thoughts and ways of life